Single Black Female Seeking Love (Funny Ad)

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,

I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down…

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

Yoga???

THERE ARE TWO BASIC TYPES OF YOGA

1. YOGA FROM INDIA

AND

2. YOGA FROM Missouri

The Missouri class is full for this session. I'll get back to you when it opens up again!

Valentine Dogs for my Blogger Friends!

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!







I hope you have a great day!

Three Wishes.....

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lightes a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year....

My Private Part Died---Funny!

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes , Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
She replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
Hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Questions That Haunt Me

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Source unknown, someone sent me this in my email.

Wal-mart Husband

This is just too funny not to share, but first I want to give credit to the source. http://titaniumspork.newsvine.com/_news/2008/12/19/2230376-wal-mart-husband

Be very careful around bored husbands, their creative juices start to overflow!!--

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her tripsto Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boringand preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wifeis like most women ---she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wifereceived the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people' s carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialvoice, 'Code 3 in House wares.. Get on it right away'.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. ! August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
and last, but not least. . . .

15. Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paperin here!!

Received in an email.. author unknown.

Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.

Someone sent me this in an email, I thought it was good enough to share.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said: That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.

'The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer u nder the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty? And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said: Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

Okay, said God, You asked for it.

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Hope you enjoyed it!

Dog Tales

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.




2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.




4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"




10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:



14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Pooch Tale

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Three Grandmas

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.


When an old Grandpa walked by.


And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.

The old man said, There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.

One of the old Grandmas said, Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, You're 87 years old!

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, How in the world did you guess?

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison


We were at your birthday party yesterday!

This is my Great Grandfather in his GAR uniform. Not a part of the joke, just thought I'd throw in his picture.