Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wal-mart Husband

This is just too funny not to share, but first I want to give credit to the source.

Be very careful around bored husbands, their creative juices start to overflow!!--

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her tripsto Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boringand preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wifeis like most women ---she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wifereceived the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people' s carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialvoice, 'Code 3 in House wares.. Get on it right away'.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. ! August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
and last, but not least. . . .

15. Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paperin here!!

Received in an email.. author unknown.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.

Someone sent me this in an email, I thought it was good enough to share.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said: That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.

'The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer u nder the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty? And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said: Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

Okay, said God, You asked for it.
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Hope you enjoyed it!